I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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