I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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