I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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