Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
