Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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