The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
