Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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