I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
