Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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