I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Randomize
