You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
