I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
