I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
