Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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