Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
