the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
