Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
