Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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