haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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