Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
