like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
