Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
