dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
