Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
