when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
