do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
