She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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