im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sext me about skeletons
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
