Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
