It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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