I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
