Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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