When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
