I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Randomize
