dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
