i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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