I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
