ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
