I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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