well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
