Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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