What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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