The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
