cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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