dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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