Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
