You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
