So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
