I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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