none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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